Remorse and Reconciliation Page 4

  Now the question is: is there a way I can repair the damage and rekindle his passion for me? I do not know how to be coy or to flirt with a man such him. In fact, I believe he does not approve of women who act that way. So what do I do? I may be more intelligent and better educated than most gentlewomen, but I am certainly less sure of myself when trying to gain and maintain a man’s attention. I think all I can do is somehow find a chance to speak with him again and discuss poetry and plays and such with him. I know he enjoys intellectual conversations and debates. I believe he also enjoyed my singing. Will I ever have a chance to sing for him again?

  Jane and I talked long into the morning before we retired to our beds for the night and both of us could only commiserate with the other. Both had a chance at happiness, but did not act as we should have to win the man we each believed was the best man we had ever met. Both men favored us, but I refused to recognize Mr. Darcy’s romantic intentions and Jane did not show enough affection to convince Mr. Bingley to court and marry her. Is it not ironic that we two, who many said were the most desirable young women in this part of Hertfordshire, have managed to drive away the only two men we have ever met who might satisfy us as husbands? We can only hope that somehow our connection with the Darcys through Kitty will work to our advantage. We are a glum pair of sisters.

  On a more positive note, I decided to ask Mary if she would be willing to let me work with her to improve her appearance and demeanor to make her more attractive to gentlemen. I was hesitant to ask her, thinking she might think it impertinent of me to suggest I knew better than she how she should dress and act, but she surprised me by greeting my suggestion with enthusiasm. She said she had envied the closeness I had developed with Kitty and how I had managed to help Kitty improve her image. She actually used the word ‘ecstatic’ to describe how she would feel if I could do the same for her. It is not a word I would have associated with her. Our first goal is to work on her hair, her dresses, and her posture.

  Chapter 6: Wickham, Darcy, and Bingley

  Mr. Bennet did restrict Lydia from going to town without one of her elder sisters and said if she disobeyed him and met with officers from the militia at other than events he approved, she would be restricted to Longbourn until the militia left Meryton. When she complained she had been singled out, he assured her if Kitty was with them, she would have the same restrictions. Her other sisters were not restricted because they were over 18. This, of course, did not satisfy her, but she reluctantly agreed, because they had already received an invitation to attend a farewell ball hosted by Col. Forster, the commandant of the militia regiment. It was to be held April 28 in the Meryton assembly hall, and she did not want to give her father an excuse for forbidding her to attend it.

  Apparently Jane’s talks with Lydia over the months about her behavior had some effect, because her behavior at the ball was acceptable. Mr. Bennet was not happy that she danced with Wickham twice, but he felt he could not forbid her without her making a scene. He and Mrs. Bennet watched her carefully and as far as they could tell, Wickham was the perfect gentleman with her. As she also danced twice with Lt. Denny and Capt. Carter and talked with them more than she did with Wickham, she did not appear to be giving Mr. Wickham preference, much to her parents’ relief.

  Wickham asked Elizabeth to dance, and she accepted reluctantly, not having a good excuse for not dancing with him. As they danced, she was again impressed with his ability to dance and his pleasant manner. She could understand why any woman might become enamored of him, as she had been at first. She found herself asking herself if such a seemingly pleasant gentleman could truly be a bad as Darcy and her aunt had said he was.

  “You seem distracted, Miss Elizabeth. Are you not enjoying the dance?”

  “I am, Mr. Wickham. I am sure you know you are a superior dancer. I was just thinking how different it is here when the militia is here than it is when it is not here. There are those who will miss the militia and those who will be glad to have our peaceful, sleepy town back to normal.”

  “And which are you, Miss Elizabeth.”

  “I am a rather private person, Mr. Wickham; therefore I enjoy solitude more than most, so I am slightly on the side of those who like it best when the militia is not here. However, I must also admit that the militia’s appearance here every third year is good for the town’s economy and is a diversion I enjoy for a few months.”

  “I can understand your feelings. I often like to take solitary walks or rides just to get away from the hustle and bustle of camp life. However, I must say I will miss being here next winter and being able to visit with you and your family. Perhaps your family might visit Brighton during the summer while we are there. Certainly many families choose that area for their summer travels.”

  “I fear not, Lt. Wickham. Our family rarely travels except to visit relatives, and even if we did, we would most likely go to the Lakes or Peaks rather than the sea shore.”

  “A pity. I would enjoy showing you some of the sights near Brighton.”

  Elizabeth could think of nothing she wanted to say in response to that, so said no more. When the dance was over, he walked her to where Mr. Bennet was standing and much to her displeasure took her hand and kissed it. “I hope to see you again, Miss Elizabeth.”

  After Wickham left, Mr. Bennet led Elizabeth to the refreshment stand to get a drink and then found a spot where they could speak softly without being overheard. “Did you enjoy your dance and conversation with Lt. Wickham?”

  “He is an excellent dancer and has a pleasant manner, but if I could, knowing what I know, I would gladly take my glove off and wash it where his lips touched it. He is very smooth and I can attest how easily he can charm and win the trust of almost any young woman who is unaware of his proclivities. I suspect I would still have a good opinion of him if Mr. Darcy had not warned us of him. After I had known him a few weeks, I knew he was too poor and lacking in depth to be of interest to me, but I still thought he was an agreeable gentleman.”

  “He does, indeed, appear to be the consummate gentleman. I believe Mr. Darcy has been a benefactor to our family in more than one way. Has your dislike of him disappeared?”

  Elizabeth could not help but sigh. “It has. As I told Jane, there seems to be only so much good between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham and I now know all of it belongs to Mr. Darcy. I wronged him and I am truly sorry for it.”

  Mr. Bennet tilted his head as he looked at her. “Do I hear the sigh of one disappointed in love?”

  “I wish I knew, Papa. My feelings for him have certainly altered, but I cannot say it is love. I just know he may be one of the few men with whom I could have found a happy life. However, he would never even consider a woman of my status, so it is a moot point.”

  Mr. Bennet chuckled. “You and Jane are a pair. There was Mr. Bingley whom we thought was so good, but who left without saying a word to Jane—a very ungentlemanly thing to do. And then there was Mr. Darcy, whom we all thought was a cad, who turned out to be an excellent man of principle and our benefactor. I must admit, had I to choose one of the two at this point, Mr. Darcy would easily be my choice—not because of his wealth, but because of his character. Therefore I have more sympathy for your loss than for Jane’s.”

  “That is not fair to Jane, Papa, because she thought Mr. Bingley loved her. I never believed Mr. Darcy loved me. I thought he disapproved of me.”

  “But I have to believe there was no depth to Mr. Bingley’s love for Jane. If he can be convinced she does not love him after spending all that time with her and does not care enough for her to speak with her before he leaves, to make sure his decision is correct, then I have to believe she may be better off without him. On the other hand, I believe if Mister Darcy loved you, he would tell you, no matter who tried to convince him you did not love him. If he has said nothing to you by now, then I suspect he does not care for you. Of course, because of your expressed dislike of him, he has no reason to care for you. Perhaps if you are more pleasant to him
and show him you favored him, he might fall in love with you.”

  “You do not know how correct you are, Papa,” she thought to herself. But all she said to her father was, “You may be right about Mister Bingley. I cannot imagine if I loved someone, I would not make sure they did not love me before I gave up on them because of what someone else said to me. As for Mister Darcy, I cannot imagine I will be seeing him anymore.”

  “Perhaps, but you do have a sister who is living at his residence. Surely there is a way to use that to your advantage.”

  “Papa, I might come to believe you would be happy if I were to marry Mister Darcy.”

  “Lizzie, I do not think there are many men in the world who deserve you, but he may be one of them. From what I have seen of him, I would be most happy to give you my blessings to marry him.”

  Hearing her father say that, Elizabeth decided she would tell him her entire history with Darcy. “Papa, I have something I need to tell you, but I do not want to do it here. I will talk to you in the morning your library.”

  “That intrigues me. You have something you want to tell me which is more confidential in your mind than what we have said here. I will have to think about that.”

  Elizabeth Journal entry: April 29, 1809

  We attended the ball hosted by Col. Forster last evening and all went well. Lydia behaved herself and did not seem to spend an inordinate amount of time with Mr. Wickham. I danced with Mr. Wickham and he was his usual pleasant and agreeable self. He is a master at the art of deception, because as discerning as I think I am, I do not think I would have ever suspected him of the perfidy of which he is accused, were it not that Mr. Darcy said he was and my father and aunt believe Mr. Darcy. The only thing I could say is that perhaps he is too debonair.

  Near the end of the ball, just after I had danced with Mr. Wickham, I had an interesting conversation with Papa. I discovered two things of interest. First, Papa believes Jane is probably better off without Mr. Bingley, because he is quite upset Bingley left without speaking with Jane. He does not believe that is the way a gentleman should act or the way someone deeply in love would act. Second, Papa is quite impressed with Mr. Darcy and would favor a marriage between Mr. Darcy and me. I have decided that tomorrow morning I will tell him about all of my history with Mr. Darcy. I want to see how he will react to the news that I refused a proposal from Mr. Darcy. Then I will confess my feelings for Mr. Darcy and ask him for suggestions on how I might reinstate myself with Mr. Darcy.

  As usual, this evening Jane and I had a long talk and I told her what Papa told me. She thought about what I said for some time and then said she thought he made a good point. She had even had somewhat the same thought. She said, however, it may just be Mr. Bingley is very unsure of himself and did not know how to approach her. Of course, I responded that, to me, being so unsure of himself at his age is not a trait I would favor in a man. Also, that he would let his sister write the goodbye note tells me he is not at all discerning about her character and her attitude toward Jane. How could he not know she would say something in the letter to discourage Jane? I think Papa has convinced me that Mr. Bingley is not worthy of Jane and I believe she may be having similar doubts. It is ironic that by the end of our conversation, we both decided it would be better for me to win Mr. Darcy than for her to win back Mr. Bingley.

  As promised, Papa spoke with me this morning about Mr. Darcy and I told him my entire history with Mr. Darcy, including his proposal and my refusal. As I expected, Papa was not upset, only amused that I had Mr. Darcy within my grasp, threw him away, and then discovered I wanted him back. In fact, he thought I had received my just deserts, having become too convinced of my own superiority and being highly incensed if anyone should question it. It was his opinion that censure of Mr. Darcy for his part in separating of Jane and Mr. Bingley was not logical, because I well knew she did not show her feelings and it would be hard for Mr. Darcy to tell she had any love for Mr. Bingley. Furthermore, it was true that our family was not suitable for one who was seeking to become a member of higher society. It was Mr. Bingley’s decision in the end, and if he did not love Jane enough to ignore Mr. Darcy’s advice, which Papa was sure was honestly given, then the blame is his—not Mr. Darcy’s. As for believing Mr. Wickham before I truly knew him, he thought that was even more illogical. Therefore, I was reacting from emotion and not logic when I decided I should dislike Mr. Darcy. He was also highly amused when I told him I thought Mr. Darcy looked at me so often to observe my faults. Who, he asked, continues to look at a person to find more faults. Once one had found faults, he or she usually ignores the person from there on. It was just another instance of proof that my ability of discerning people’s characters is not what I thought it was.

  He described the relationship between Mr. Darcy and me as a comedy of errors suitable for a Shakespeare play. The question is; is there a way, as in the Shakespeare comedy, to make everything come out happy in the end, where I am going to assume ‘come out happy’ means I eventually marry Mr. Darcy. He suggested I write Kitty and tell her the story, asking her to share it with no one except possibly Miss Darcy, if Kitty thinks she would favor a union of her brother and me. When I said I was afraid that might make things worse, he asked me how they could be worse, and I decided they could not be, so I will write her.

  Chapter 7: Letter to Kitty

  Elizabeth’s Journal: April 30, 1809

  I wrote a letter to Kitty today, having to start it four times and adding a little more to it each time I wrote it. Every time I finished a version, I would read it and decide she needed to know a little more. I ended up telling her almost all that had happened between me and Mr. Darcy, both here and in Kent. I did not go into great detail, but she will now know about his insult to me, my acceptance without thinking of Mr. Wickham’s accusations, and Mr. Darcy’s rude proposal and my equally rude response.

  I told her I now believed him to be a good man, but I did not want to confess the feelings I have for him. I wonder if I have overreacted. Am I imagining him better than he truly is?

  (Early the next morning) I could not sleep, worrying about the letter. Now I wish I had not mailed it. I feel as if I am one of those women of the ton he dislikes who pursue him so relentlessly. The only difference between me and them, is that I am interested in the man, not his wealth and status. But if he has lost all his feelings for me—if he dislikes me—then no matter what I feel for him, I would not want to marry him. But if he does still have feelings for me, how will we ever discover our mutual attachment, if I do not do something it ensure we meet again and have a chance to converse?

  I have been sitting here, staring at my journal for 15 minutes, thinking about what I have done and comprehending there is nothing I can do about it now. What is done, is done. Now all I can do is hope is the letter helps, rather than hinders, my cause.

  

  When Kitty received the letter, she read it twice, trying to decide what to do. That Darcy had proposed to Elizabeth completely dumbfounded her and that Elizabeth would refuse him dumbfounded her even more. Even if she did dislike him, to pass up such an opportunity for wealth and position was almost unthinkable. Yet the more she thought about it and her parent’s marriage, the more she came to understand her sister. In a sense, her father was, in status, to her mother as Darcy was to Elizabeth. It must have seemed like a very fortuitous marriage to her mother when she was young, but had she known how unhappy her marriage would have been for the last 15 years, would she have married her father? Could the same thing happen to Elizabeth? Apparently she had decided it would not, but Kitty could imagine she might have been worried about it when she refused Darcy. She then wondered if she would be able to refuse someone like Darcy if she were asked. Was she as brave as her sister, even if Elizabeth was regretting it now?

  Elizabeth had left the decision up to her as to whether she should share the information with Georgiana. She wanted to tell her, but decided she had better first determine what Georgiana thought of
a possible marriage between Elizabeth and Darcy.

  She found Georgiana in the music room, practicing a Beethoven sonata. When Georgiana saw her enter, she stopped playing and said, “What did your sister have to say. Anything you can tell me?”

  “It was something which completely surprised me. Let me ask you. Did you ever have any sense that Will might have favored Lizzie?”

  “I think I told you. He wrote to me about her in quite positive terms when he was in Hertfordshire. I was hoping he might like her enough to court her, like Mr. Bingley was courting Jane, but when he came home, he made no more mention of your sister, so I assumed they had a disagreement or something.”

  “Did you know they saw each other in Kent when he was visiting Lady Catherine, and she was visiting her friend, Mrs. Collins, your aunt’s vicar?”

  Georgiana was obviously surprised. “No, I did not. He has not mentioned your sister since he was in Hertfordshire. I wonder why he did not tell me he had seen her there. Did they just see each other in passing or were they actually together at times?”

  “Three times he and Col. Fitzwilliam visited her and Mr. and Mrs. Collins, and she was at Rosings Park for dinner three times while he was there. I would think they must have talked with each other.”

  “It is strange he did not mention her. Did she say anything about him?”

  “Yes, she said she now thought him a good man, but thought he did not approve of her. Do you think he thinks she is too far below him to consider her? Do you think that is why he stopped mentioning her to you?”

  “Let me find his letters and see what he said.”